Bagel Chips and Failure Face

Staring into the bottom of the empty bagel chips bag, I realized that this never ends. 45 lbs down and I see that I will never stop having this battle with food. I will never reach a point where I don't have the overwhelming urge to eat my emotions. It's so frustrating... where did I put that cheesecake? (Just kidding. Kind of.) 


My stress level has been high this week. McKenzie, bless her little heart, has been extremely fussy. Either her reflux is bothering her or she is starting to teethe a little. At 3 months old, it's hard to get a definitive answer. She has barely let me put her down which has not allowed me to stick with my routine at all. As one who CRAVES daily routine in order to achieve success, this has been critical. I have not been able to exercise this week. My food choices have been based on what is quick and easy instead of healthy and energizing. I have not been measuring/weighing my food choices as much in order to just get it done and get to the eating part. In general, I have not really been completely OP ("On Program, for all you non-weight watcher-ers). 


I haven't gone over my weekly points and I have tracked everything I've put in my mouth to the best of my estimation. (I say estimation since, as I stated, I've not been weighing/measuring.) These are good things. But I keep feeling like Lucy is standing over my shoulder yelling "failure face, Charlie Brown" and I just can't kick this self-abusive way of seeing myself as having blown it. 

Why is it that when I am not "on weight watchers" I make little effort to control what I eat or how active I am and feel absolutely nothing about it one way or the other (at least nothing that I will allow myself to feel or think about). Yet, as soon as I "join" weight watchers, I put this list of rules on myself like I am expecting OP perfection every day and feel like I am a huge failure if I don't achieve it. I'm not a robot. I'm going to have bad days and bad weeks and (hopefully not often, but realistically, occasionally) bad months. 


So now comes the part where I "pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again", right? 

If I think about it logically, I know that I haven't done THAT badly. But I don't want ANY badly. I don't want to go to meeting on Saturday and have to step on the scale and have my meeting leader see that I gained weight... possibly. I do want to go to meeting on Saturday, get my 5lb star and my 50 lb washer/key chain thingy and the round of applause from the group that makes me feel better about myself. Wow, am I THAT needy?? Really? Maybe I should look into that some more...


I know I will get under this 50 lbs lost mark. I know I will get my weight to a number that doesn't start with a "3"... sooner rather than later. It just might not be this week. I have to accept that.