It has been a wretched few months. I had, at my best point, lost almost 60 lbs. I finally weighed-in yesterday and I am back to having only lost 26 lbs. I didn't realize it when I was actually on the scale because I didn't really pay attention while she was getting my weight logged and all my papers for the week.
But then I sat down.
As I looked at my weight tracker, I realized what the numbers actually said. It literally took my brain almost a full minute to register what it said. I had gained a little over 10 lbs in about 2 1/2 weeks. Tears were stinging the backs of my eyes and I thought I was just going to bawl. I managed to maintain composure during the meeting. It might have been better for me if I hadn't. I'm not big with the crying in public thing though.
I got myself home, digesting the topics for the week that we discussed during the meeting. I thought I had processed it all. I was wrong.
As soon as I walked in the door and Shawn asked me how it went, I just broke down. Anger at myself. Shame. Guilt for not setting a better example for my children. Guilt for not feeding my children better food than I had been. I couldn't even begin to process all the emotions I was dealing with.
I opened my online tracker, logged my weight, updated my points plus totals, and started tracking my intake. I tracked the whole day. I weighed and measured my food. I got up this morning and continued to track and weigh and measure everything. It seemed so easy for something that had become so hard. I still don't understand what it is inside my brain that makes the difference. I don't understand why I can be so focused and so diligent and it be so easy for such a long time and then it just all breaks down and everything becomes hard. If I understood the trigger, maybe I could change it. Maybe it would at least help me cope with and overcome the harder times.
I WILL get this done. I WILL lose this weight (again). I WILL be successful. This has just been a reminder that this is going to take some time and it will be a life-long task to maintain my success.
Learning to redefine my relationship with food and become a happier, healthier me.
I totally understand!! Isn't it crazy how you can gain the weight back SO FAST and it comes off SO SLOW! I'm giving weight watchers a try for the millionth time, even though I vowed never to spend another dime on weight loss (I swear I could write my own book at this point, I'm such an expert). Just take heart, there's no way you gained 10 pounds of fat in 2 1/2 weeks, it's the "Thanksgiving" effect and you can probably take those pounds off again super fast. (No offense on posting anonymously, I just try to keep my name off the internet as much as possible, paranoia??) Good luck! You can do it!!!
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